The Happiness Hypothesis

Click on the image below to view a video on my take of the highlights from the book, “The Happiness Hypothesis” by Jonathan Haidt. As the author states, “This is a book about 10 great ideas. Each chapter is an attempt to savor one idea that has been discovered by several of the world’s civilizations – to question in light of what we know from scientific research, and to extract from it the lessons that still apply to our modern lives.”

The essence I gleaned from this book, like everything else I have found influential in my life, is that through awareness, and making change based on this new awareness, we can find more happiness in our lives. Enjoy!!

The Happiness Hypothesis

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What is meditation anyway?

This is a topic relating to self-discovery that I have always struggled with, yet I understand is so crucial to our continued growth. I am in awe of those that sit in a pose and appear to drift away for long periods of time. I was reminded of this once again during the recent Dalai Lama talk last week. It was a way to quiet the mind so that we can process the daily stress and emotions we experience on a daily basis. At a minimum it is a way to keep us from reacting in a more negative or hurtful way to ourselves or others.

I have been attending a weekly meditation session at a local store that sells Buddhist paraphernalia here in San Diego. The owner is an active practitioner of Buddhist ways, and uses the storefront as a way to open the doors to people to come in and take advantage of their free meditation session. He reminds us each time that this is not a competition and to accept that it takes many years to master meditation. The initial goal is to simply be able to sit quietly, even just for a few minutes, without reacting to our active minds.

The key was to focus on our breathing, one breath at a time, even for a few seconds at first. Then I would find myself thinking about an issue or project at work or whatever. What I learned here is that this is very normal and to accept this rather than fight it. To fight it, only makes it worse, since now my mind is engaged in another emotional response, frustration. Instead, gently bring the focus back to my breathing and go for a few more seconds. The more we practice this, the easier it is to bring back the focus on our breathing. My active mind, that is another story. It just likes to race and dwell on events or feelings.

This weekly practice does not use any music, scents or sounds. He states that although these can be helpful to some, the goal is to be able to meditate wherever you may be, which suggests learning how to become calm wherever you are. Personally, I like to introduce calming music, candles and incense at times since I find these more amenable to sitting peacefully. Ideally, I would like to find a spot alone on a knoll overlooking the ocean and just listening to the waves. But this is not always possible, which is why I am focusing on calming myself by focusing on my breath, even for just a few moments several times during the course of the day.

What is the real benefit? For me, even though I would consider myself still as a novice, has been the ability to react less to my emotions which have controlled so much of my life. I have come to realize how much of the time I live in some form of fear or anxiety. Left uncontrolled, these negative emotions will play havoc with your life, mentally and physically. A recent book, Dying To Be Me, is the story of a woman who realized the impact of the fear she lived with on her life.

So my suggestion is not to be overwhelmed or dismayed by what we believe meditation to be or how it should be practiced, and instead, find whatever way we can to quiet our active minds and find some peace in our lives, particularly in a natural way. At the end of every meditation we are asked how we feel, and everyone agrees that they feel more at peace. You deserve it!

The Dalai Lama in San Diego

Today at San Diego State University, His Holiness the Dalai Lama spoke to a sellout crowd. There he was, up on the big screen, not dribbling the ball down center court, but instead challenging the audience with his simple yet profound messages. Today’s topic, Compassion Beyond Borders.

Although I do not associate myself directly with any particular faith or religion, I love the philosophy and beliefs behind Buddhism. I often sit in on a meditation session that is led by an aspiring Buddhist. After a 20 minute meditation he speaks about the various Buddhist principles. The primary focus however is kept to the basics, learning how to quiet the mind as a way of dealing with the daily stress we each experience. Why we resist a discipline like this is hard to understand, particularly since we experience first hand the peace and serenity after each session.

His message today focused on the importance of applying compassion in our lives, and the critical need for this today in a global world that is filled with challenges. It was his explanation of why this is so difficult for us to do that made this more real and personal. We are emotional beings and most of our actions are a result of responding to our emotions. We begin our lives expressing our emotions which help us to get what is so important at this time, nourishment for our physical being, and love for our personal being.

Over time, we develop fears, concerns, anxiety, stress which provoke negative emotions, which in turn drives our behavior, often with negative outcomes, which only serve to reinforce our negative attitudes. He challenged our education system which primarily focuses on developing our mental ability while ignoring the topic of how to manage our emotional selves. In addition, he states that we tend to place greater focus on our physical being, when instead we should be placing greater importance on what is driving our thoughts and behaviors. This is more important since getting our inner self in order will result in our outer or physical self to be healthier and happier.

His message reminded us that it is not our physical being that we bring into the next life, but instead our soul or the essence of our being, that is made up of our beliefs, attitudes, values and what we did with these in this life experience. This carried into the conversation regarding the importance of learning how to quiet the mind so that we can understand our emotional self and what is behind these feelings, and to replace negativity with compassion.

Compassion as he put it, is all about separating the person from their negative actions and consequences. If they harm themselves, ourselves or others, it is really not the person at fault, but the fears that they have adopted which drives these negative behaviors and outcomes. Compassion is accepting that we are all human and prone to these behaviors. This does not have to mean that we condone these behaviors and take no action, but to be careful to allow judgement and our own issues to drive our own negative responses.

The challenge is to begin by applying the concept of compassion and forgiveness to ourselves, “cleaning our own house” so to speak, before we begin to tell others how to clean up their own act. Loving people do not harm others, and are happier, which should drive us each to want to develop our loving nature. It’s a win-win scenario, we are happier which inspire others to be happier. We are better parents, employees, leaders and citizens too!

For me, I will continue to work on applying meditation techniques in my life more often in order to quiet my racing mind which so easily turns to judgements, negative thoughts, stress and anxiety. I will judge less and offer more compassion, beginning with my thoughts. I will recognize more those times that I am in stress and anxiety, and challenge myself with quieting my mind so that I become more proactive than reactive. And mostly, I will learn how to provide compassion to myself who can be so prone to feeling guilt, shame and fear.

With gratitude and compassion…

Michael

Who’s Your Belay?

This past week has been difficult for me. Challenges at home, hit home! I found myself scared, sad, and alone. Yes, even after years of working on myself, I have my moments. What is different now is that I continue to apply one of the fundamental philosophies of personal growth, “I must do it myself, but I cannot do it alone!”

First of all I am sorry for all of you who also had a bad week for whatever reason. I know how difficult these times can be. And one thing is for certain, this won’t be the last time. It’s a part of life. It makes me wonder why we don’t teach essentials such as how to manage finances, deal with our emotions, deal with tragedies and losses, and understand more about who we are in high school or college.  But chances are we wouldn’t listen anyway.

While I was in counseling dealing with ACOA issues, I got involved with both group therapy and 12-step groups. As I was dealing with the issues that drove me to counseling, along with resurrecting the pain of my past in order to understand what was causing my unhealthy patterns, I was an emotional wreck. But through these groups I began to meet others I could relate to, and who could relate to me. We were all the walking wounded, depending on each other to be our crutch at times for a few minutes or a few hours.

What was amazing was how much better I felt after I left these sessions. So often several of us would go out for coffee and find some peace, serenity and even laughter. Over time these resources helped to stabilize my life and eventually move forward. I am forever grateful to everyone around me that was a part of my growth.

While watching my kids rock climb, I watched as they overcame their fears in large part because someone else was on the other end of their rope and would hold onto them in the event that they fell. In these cases they would slowly return them to firm ground where they would briefly rest before trying the climb again. This reminded me of all those who were at the other end of my life line helping to hold onto me even though they often needed the same thing. It was amazing how together we did indeed overcome!

Reaching out for help is a hard thing to do. We were taught somehow that this is perceived as a sign of weakness. Yes, there were times where I did pick myself up, dust off my wounds and get on with things, but there are other times where my emotions require another hand at first. I was reminded of this last week when I picked up the phone and talked with others I knew would lend me an ear, spend some time together, or just remind me that it would be okay. I had my own belay that would help me to land gently and prepare myself for the work that had to be done.

The good news is that there are resources, groups and others who have been where you are, and are there to help. Don’t forget to reach out and ask them to help hold your rope to help you get through these challenging times. I will take a soft landing any time over the fall I would have if these people were not around!

Considering Your Purpose

Throughout our life we experience times when we are confronted with questions relating to the meaning and purpose of our life. These often surface during transformational times (e.g. after we have experienced a major loss, mid-life, retirement, etc.). We are often confronted with our own mortality during these times which naturally results in the contemplation of some profound questions.

• What is the meaning of life?
• What is my purpose?
• What is life all about?
• What should I do with the rest of my life?

I recall one of these times in my own life. I was in my early thirties and had gone through a divorce a year earlier. These situations are by nature challenging, and in my case compounded by the issues I had developed from my childhood with respect to co-dependency, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, etc. I was in counseling and using several of what I refer to as the “tools for self-discovery” which were helping me to crawl out of the rut I was in. I worked hard to get to a better place which is when these questions started to emerge.

The short of the long of this was that I hung up my corporate shingle for a backpack with a purpose to discover the meaning of life. It was a life-changing experience, a sort of modern-day vision quest. What I did discover helped me to answer a key question in relation to the realization that there was indeed meaning to life. The next question related to understanding how I fit into life, or in effect, what is my purpose. The answer to this question would elude me for many years.

Discovering our purpose can be quite elusive for many, as it was for me. What I realized later on was that I considered purpose to be was a destination, a point in time where I was doing something of great value and meaning. For some, this is how their purpose unveils itself. For others, it is not about a destination but the journey. The journey in this case is marked by a number of phases or periods of time, each defined by a unique purpose. In my case one of the initial phases related to recognition that there was a problem. My purpose at that time was simply accepting that it was not the world at fault, but the fault was with me.

This was followed by another phase where my purpose would have been defined as gaining clarity about the origin of the unhealthy behaviors and how to change these. This was followed by another period of time where I focused on understanding my own definition of life, success, and happiness. Then was a period of integrating these into my life, and so on. They all related to my overarching purpose which has been to Discover Michael.

I am now venturing into another phase of my purpose which is to “be” Michael, to muster up the courage to be who I really am, including all of my core beliefs and values. Each phase of my purpose builds on the prior phases and provides new challenges and obstacles. It is as if my life’s purpose was never about a destination at all, but a journey of discovery! The more I discover, which is marked by new awareness, and the more I integrate these into my life, the more I become my full potential, which I believe may be a characteristic of everyone’s purpose.

Purpose in this case is more focused on our state of being, than it is on what we do or have. This was confusing to me since so much of our lives are focused on what we do, and what we have. As we develop our new sense of being, we may define new ways of doing and having that are consistent with who we are at this point. For me this is represented by greater interests in living live without fear, being who I am, and developing a lifestyle more characterized by service to others.

So if you are struggling with the concept of purpose in your life, realize that you are not alone. Something to consider when reflecting on this is the thought that your purpose is a journey, one of discovering and integrating into your life new awareness and realizations. Each phase is represented by a purpose based on your current set of beliefs and values. How well you achieve your purpose at each interval is based on how well you have applied what you have learned so far. Therefore, the question possibly should be, what is my purpose at this moment!

Make a difference today!

There is a voice in the Universe urging us to remember our purpose for being on this great Earth. This is the voice of inspiration, which is within each and every one of us.   Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Dr. Wayne Dyer ranks atop my list of favorite people. He gets it! But what does it take to get to achieve this realization? It is hard when our life is currently consumed with pain, suffering and unhappiness. It is hard to perceive ourselves as having a greater purpose or believing that this is a great earth when we are just trying to make it through the day, not feeling worthy, empty, ill or just feeling all alone. I know these feelings and I have come to realize that many of us experience these feelings at one point or another, and some all the time.

The real call to purpose I believe is to those who are in a better place, to find a small way to reach out and help those who are not so fortunate. For some this may mean significant time commitments such as volunteering, but you don’t have to be Mother Teresa to make a difference! So often it is the simplest things that we do that can make someones day.

Recently I had such an opportunity. A colleague at work lost his young daughter in a car accident, after a drunk driver drove through an intersection. It is one thing to feel for him and his family, but another to reach out. No one really wants to be around situations such as this. We don’t know what to say, we feel uncomfortable, and who wouldn’t rather be enjoying themselves with our friends, hobbies, etc.

Being the first to admit that I was not eager to pick up the phone, I did however, and spent nearly an hour talking with him. At times he just wanted to be distracted by hearing about recent events at work or my own personal life, and at other times he just wanted to share his sadness, anger and sense of faith. At the end of the call he told me how meaningful it was for me to call him spontaneously like this and that it really made his day. Just as I experienced whenever I was in the service of others, I felt good about what I did. I have discovered that there is no feeling as meaningful and rewarding as there is when we reach out our hand.

So let me be a small voice in the universe to you today to challenge you to consider a small way that you can reach out. When we do this with love we are indeed living our purpose. These are the moments that I guarantee you that you will reflect back on at the end of the day, week and in particular at the end of our life, that we are so grateful for, realizing that we lived up to our purpose however so small the effort may have been!

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Being new to the world of blogging I had to check out what some of my fellow WordPress authors are posting. The link below brings you to a post that I thought was right on the money, or really right on the right choice. Very envious of her writing style and the power and profoundness of the message. A little cake please with this truth!!

http://truthandcake.com/2012/03/28/what-did-you-give-up-to-get-what-you-got/